Nov. 18, 2018.  This colored pencil drawing was born out of a summer of seeing snakes - literal and figurative.  This year I've seen snakes everywhere. I'm terrified of snakes, so this has been a dreadful experience. I have run into five in my yard, and six in my everyday life on walks and in nature.  Three of those snakes were copperheads, the rest were harmless, but still scared me silly.  I seriously have not seen so many snakes, ever like I have this year.  This all came to a head when, while one evening making my son dinner I turned around in my kitchen and found a snake on my kitchen counter. To this day, i still have NO idea how it got on my counter, but it shook me up to the core.  

Well, the next day was Sunday and the preacher gave a sermon and used this verse:  Matt. 7:9-11 "You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not!"  I remember thinking,  I'm not asking for snakes and yet you are giving them to me, God. These couldn't all be coincidences.  I decided, maybe God was trying to tell me something or get my attention. It was at this point I found myself praying, "God, teach me the lesson of the snake. What are you trying to tell me here?"   I found myself meditating on the passage from the sermon and a week later the answer dawned on me. That passage continued Matt 7:11, "So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him."

What was the lesson of the snake you ask?  I realized I've recently been looking at some of God's gifts in my life and calling them snakes, because I don't understand how they could be good.

Sometimes when God doesn't give me what I want and answers another way that doesn't fit my plan, I get upset and jump to label it a snake. But, as God tells us, HE also doesn't give us snakes when we ask for fish. So maybe I can't see how the gift is good right now, but I must trust that it is, because I have a Father who loves me more than I love my own son.  

Update: It's been a year since I finished this artwork to remind me of the lesson of the snake, and I have only seen two snakes while gardening this year (both little harmless brown snakes).  Every time I see or think of snakes now, I ask myself, "Is there something that God has given me in my life that I'm labeling a bad gift? God says he doesn't give bad gifts, so I must choose to trust it is good."

Thanks, Father, for the lesson of the snake.  I needed it!  

"The local church is one of the only institutions in the world to shoot their wounded...and we will not be that"

I would say most people who know me are aware that I’m a Christian. I realize many people probably take that knowledge and assume certain things about me, based on their preconceived ideas of what Christianity is about. I’m not offended by it. They can’t help it, of course. They have their own experiences with Christians or church or religion that have shaped them to believe how they do. Maybe they think I’m mentally weak or needy, because I cling to what they believe to be a fairy tale. Maybe they assume that I’m judgmental or a Bible-thumper. I could try to defend myself to them. I could try to explain my science background and my well-thought out, and researched reasons I believe what I believe. But that’s the thing. No matter what I say, unless God reveals himself to a person and opens their eyes, I can speak till I’m blue in the face, and debate evidences forever. It won’t make sense to someone, if their spirit is hardened against it.


That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy discussions about philosophy and beliefs. I do. I’m a pretty open person, in general. Nothing is taboo or TMI or off limits that I can think of. As my husband says, “awkward is all in the mind.”


With this blatant open honesty preface, I’m just gonna lay out what I believe. If you care to know, this is exactly what I believe. Here goes:


That we humans are ALL spiritually dead, broken, and sinful people in a broken world - each of us destined for unfathomable eternal separation from God - outside of Salvation through Christ. NO good works or merit do ANYTHING to change this separation. We cannot earn salvation. We are incapable of saving ourselves, because we are DEAD. Dead people can’t do anything.


BUT God, the Creator of the universe, loved us so much that He gave His own son, Jesus Christ, to pay the price for our sin (which is death) by dying on a cross and rising from the dead to bring us eternal LIFE (body and soul). Through this gift, we can experience and have a real, vibrant and loving relationship with God.


God did not send Jesus to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in Christ is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned ALREADY because he has not believed in the name of God’s son, Jesus. The Bible says: believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you WILL be saved, made new, made spiritually alive with God forever.


God is no respecter of persons: He wants a personal relationship with YOU. He doesn’t care if you are rich or poor, black or white, have a PhD or are a high school drop out, homosexual, transsexual, transgender, a murderer, addicted to porn, pro-abortion, or an adulterer! He wants you, regardless! You don’t have to get your act together before you approach God. YOU CAN’T get your act together. YOU’RE DEAD.


So, what do you think, now that I’ve spelled it out? Do I sound crazy?


The Bible talks about this.


“For the preaching of the cross is to them that are perishing foolishness, but for us who are saved it is the power of God.” 1 Cor. 1:18


“For the natural man does not receive the things of the spirit of God for they are foolishness unto him. Neither can he understand them or know them because they are spiritually discerned.” 1 Cor 2:14


The cross is foolishness to the unsaved. Until God chooses to open his blind eyes and dead heart, a person cannot possibly understand or choose God. As Christians, we don’t see to believe. We believe to see. This idea does not make sense to unsaved people. They want to be able to know, without a doubt, FIRST, before they believe. They want to be convinced. That’s what makes Christianity unique. Other religions try to fit themselves and “god” to man’s understanding/agenda. Christianity is built on molding men to God’s understanding/agenda.


It’s kind of like air or an invisible electric fence. Can we observe air or wind? Can we SEE the electrical current? Nope. We might be able to observe the indirect effects on something else, though. We can watch a person’s parachute become full of air after they jump out of a plane. We can watch a dog wearing the shock collar yelp when it tries to cross the invisible fence. But unless someone or something directly interacts with the elements, they are simply not observable. That’s sort of what I think believing on Jesus is. Belief/faith is taking that committed step, when you DON’T KNOW, and trusting that God will catch you. It’s jumping out of the plane and pulling your chute. After the jump, you SEE chute catch you and FEEL the air holding you up, but you can’t be sure until you jump. Holding onto the plane or holding onto a rope won’t show you. Until you completely let go, you cannot understand or experience God’s salvation. You cannot KIND OF believe. You either jump, or you don’t.


“If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." -C.S. Lewis

Expectations...


Every newly wed couple who has gone through pre-marital counselling is familiar with the big "expectations obstacles" they were warned they'd face.  Most, like me, probably didn't worry too much about it.

"But pastor, we don't have any expectations.  We're both pretty open-minded people."

Since getting married, I have had several moments of:

"Darn it, I guess I DO have expectations."

What's funny is that they are not what I pictured frustrated expectations being.  It wasn't how one folded the laundry, who did the cooking, or who did the chores.  Instead it has been multiple poignant moments of realizing many of my little daydreams will not ever come to fruition.

I always thought I was a realist.  Now I realize that I've been an in denial, hopeless romantic who has perfected the technique of constantly shooting down my own dreams and fantasies, subconsciously hoping that my realistic, pessimistic self-talk would be proved wrong by life.

A Snow White or Aurora scrubbing the well or strolling through the woods not expecting anything special, and then getting whisked off her feet unexpectedly by a second person joining her song and changing her mind about what is possible.

Last week, one more nail was driven into the coffin of my marriage expectations:

 I love to dance crazy and used to do it with my siblings often, while growing up.  We'd throw on some dub step or some other high bass and beat music and just go crazy.  I was well-known in my family for having no true talent or grace in the dancing department ( I OWN the awkward dance), but it didn't change the fact that I loved the feeling of getting down and letting it all out with my, more talented, siblings.  I guess I felt like my dancing was just another part of showing my real self.  And it was very intimate, because no one has seen me dance except my family.  If I'm dancing with someone it is because I feel safe and fully accepted.  Otherwise...I wouldn't chance it to dance it. It was such a freeing thing to just be one's ultimate self and still feel accepted. I always figured, eventually, my hubby and I would have dance parties of our own. He is not really the type you'd picture being into dancing like a crazy person, but then, most people don't picture me being into it either.  I figured, once we were comfortable enough, it would just happen, and he'd be down.  Last week I learned that it wasn't the case. I had turned on some music. I asked him to dance.  He said he didn't care to, but I could dance and he'd watch. I thought about it, but the thought made me feel stupid and foolish. Like a kid. That was the nail. He will never dance like a crazy person with me, and when he said as much--I surprised myself.  I cried - big, baby tears.

I apologized through my tears.  I told him it was "No big deal. Probably my hormones. I'm being an emotional GIRL. Sorry, Honey."

It sounds dumb that this sort of thing would matter that much, even as I write about it. But, it really does. Darn those expectations.

Today I decided maybe I just need to learn to dance alone.  Maybe I will never crazy dance with my hubby without feeling stupid, but I can still crazy dance alone.  God can dance with me.

And that's the kicker.  Single or married, I still have the same voids. I'm still dancing alone, still singing alone, still walking alone, still feeling alone. My husband tells me and shows me he loves me every day, but he doesn't fill my voids. He doesn't fill my heart with joy like God did when I was single. I have found almost all my frustrated expectations end up coming down to me expecting my husband to be all knowing, all-accepting, or perfect like God. My husband doesn't hang on my every word, he doesn't care to hear about all my thoughts and feelings, and emotions - they would overwhelm him anyway. I'm a broken, strange, and overly serious human being. I still can't believe he felt I was worth marrying, because I think I must be a trip.

If other humans can't understand or fully accept my weird quirks, then I guess I still have to dance with my Maker. I have got to stop substituting my husband for God. He is not, and cannot be, everything that God is.  God should still be my first love. My go-to choice, not last choice.

I used to lean on Him all the time. God chose and loved me long before my husband finally noticed me. God is the only one who cares about all my thoughts, feelings, and my dreams.  He never tires of my repetitive "silly" struggles and listening to my worries. He will always listen with love. I don't have to walk alone. He can walk with me.  He says He loves me no matter what.  Nothing will separate me from His love - including my awkward dancing.

*Update: My husband finally danced with me spring of 2017.  It was at a wedding.

I dashed to the dance floor, because my FAVORITE songs were playing and I wanted to get down (since learning to dance alone, I've made A LOT of progress in my self-confidence and dancing in public... Not so much progress in my dancing talent, but...Who cares?!).  To my surprise, my husband passed our baby to the grandparents and followed me to the dance floor!  I hadn't even asked him to dance!  My husband knows how to crazy dance, as well, I learned!  I know God didn't have to do that, but it was such a sweet surprise, and a night I'll remember for a long time.

"But I want you to be without care... There is a difference between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world—how she may please her husband. And this I say for your own profit, not that I may put a leash on you, but for what is proper, and that you may serve the Lord without distraction." 1 Cor. 7:32-35

December of 2011. This month will forever be ingrained in my mind. Fall semester of Sophomore year I had come home with “All I Want for Christmas is You, Baby!” playing over and over in my head. My roommates and I had decorated our dorm room door with a Christmas tree and pictures of what we wanted for Christmas. One roommate had a picture of a truck, another roommate a surf board, another roommate a horse… I had a picture of a guy in a suit and sunglasses holding out a bouquet. Yup. I wanted to meet Mr Right. I had decided it was time. My silly, girlish mind had decided I had waited long enough, and, surely, God would see that I could now maturely handle it if Mr. Right came prancing into my life. I mean, my little sister was dating, surely it was my turn! So, home I returned with hopeful expectancy and prayers of a new sparked romance on my horizon.


What I actually got for Christmas, was quite different. Breaks are funny things. With less to do, I find I spend them doing much reflecting and thinking. This break God put a weight on my heart.


It’s hard to explain the communication of the Holy Spirit. For me, it has almost never been actual words, but rather a strong feeling or knowledge that comes to the consciousness and bombards/blockades all other thoughts until dealt with.


Upon arriving home, I began feeling an ominous feeling that God wanted me to commit to being single in college. Technically, this was not the first time I had experienced such prompting. I had been experiencing it since freshman year, but had managed to squelch it with reasoning that “Surely God wouldn’t ask ME to do something like that; besides, it doesn’t fit with my plans.” Such a prompting did not make sense to me.


When the promptings returned Christmas break of 2011, I tried to block out the unpleasant thoughts like before. I kept hoping they would go away like a bad dream—but they did not. Instead they just kept getting stronger. On a particular dark night in late December, the feelings were too weighty for me and I found myself up at a very late hour sitting on the floor in the laundry room of our home crying softly and arguing with God-- prayer journal and Bible in hand. I kept praying and whining things out loud to God like, “Why ME? Why are others allowed to date in college and yet You are asking me to commit to no boys or even possibilities of boys? It is not fair! I’ve never heard of You asking for vows of singleness of others in the past… God, I don’t want to be some nun or whatever. I want to get married. This is not at all what I planned. Surely this is all in my head. Surely You would not ask this much from me.” I knew, however, from previous experiences with God, that I would not have peace until I surrendered to His will and obeyed the Spirit’s prompting. So that night, with tears, I surrendered my hopes of marriage to God, and committed to give Him my undergraduate college years for singleness and devotion to Him alone. Finally, as soon as the vow left my lips, peace filled my heart.


Yes, this may seem strange to many people. How to express such spiritual promptings to others, especially such specific ones? My mom, upon hearing about my vow, thought I was too rash and foolish. My father, on the other hand, found the vow quite agreeable and had no qualms (Although, I don't know of many fathers that would be bothered by such vows by their daughters... He already joked constantly of me having to wait till 35 to even THINK about marriage).


To solace my mother, I tried to remind her that I only committed to singleness in college, truly a short period. I still had faith that God would have me marry some day, just maybe not in the same timeline that I had made for myself. Many are the plans in the heart of a man, but the will of the Lord, that shall stand.


For others reading this, they may be thinking that this seems like a small matter. So what? Singleness is common. Big deal.


The saying goes that "hindsight is 20/20." This is true for me. It has been nearly a year since my commitment, and I have found that it was the wisest choice I have ever made (outside of salvation). I finally am able to see that I had made my hopes and pursuit of marriage a god. My motivations for most of my character and actions stemmed from my trying to attract a gody guy, NOT simply because I loved God. Whenever I had time to myself, my thoughts always drifted to marriage and guys. HOW FOOLISH. WHAT A WASTE. My desire for a husband overwhelmed my desire of God. By giving up my pursuit of Mr Right, I broke the chains that had prevented me from truly falling in love with God and changing for Him. Choosing singleness, for me, was cutting off a limb that caused me to stumble. Choosing singleness, was my taking up my cross, denying myself and following God.


I realize that my situation and my "god" is unique to myself. What is a struggle for me is likely not a struggle for most. We each have our own gods that we must give up or cut off from our lives.


For another year and a half, I shall continue to enjoy this time of purposeful singleness and devotion to Christ. It’s sometimes a struggle, but I do not doubt or regret the commitment in the least. It has allowed me to learn to trust God. If He wants me to marry someday, HE will make it happen. Not me. I just need to keep doing what I know I am called to—right now that is studying to be a nurse and running full force in pursuit of knowing God more deeply and intimately than ever!

*Update: Little did I know, that December of my senior year of college, God would bring one of my best guy friends from my high school years back into my life.  We started talking as friends that New Years, and he drove down for my graduation from nursing school. Graduation day, May 7th, 2014 Jeffrey David Robinson asked me to be his wife (Forget dating, I guess!).  We married on Sept 27th 2014.  There I was worrying that if I didn't make something happen, I might not get married, but GOD had a plan the whole time!  His timing is perfect!  Jeff is my favorite gift from God.  I'm so thankful that I didn't waste those short college years on other guys!  God was protecting me for Jeff and freeing me to focus on serving and enjoying my singleness!

You know those moments when you spend some time venting to God and then you get a big kick in the pants? That “joyous” experience when God brings to light an elementary truth or lesson that you shouldn’t need to be taught at this point in your walk. The sheepish feeling of realizing you weren’t quite as far along or as wise as you thought you were?  Maybe you don’t know that feeling. If that’s the case, fantastic! Good job. Personally, I’m finding it happening more and more often in my life; it is quite humbling. I thought I might take a little effort to record one of those memorable, humbling experiences in my life:

Over the years, especially since sophomore year of nursing school, I have struggled a lot with depression and anxiety. I tried medication, but it just didn’t seem to help that much. I kept begging God to give me that joy that I received at salvation. I kept entreating Him to change my feelings and give me peace. My problem? I did not understand what kind of joy I was supposed to be asking for.
I found myself expecting God to fill up my joy tank by changing my circumstances or just “giving” me a happy feeling regardless. The source of my joy, and whether I had it or not, was highly based on how I was doing. If I felt like I was not doing well in my circumstances, I felt depressed and could not get that “joyful feeling.”

My Flesh And My Heart Fail, But God Is The Strength Of My Heart And My Portion Forever.

It is hard to put into words everything that God has been trying to teach me this semester. Impossible really. He has really been growing my faith.

These passages have taken on newer and deeper meaning as I have been walking through this semester. The beginning of this semester, right before I started my clinical rotation in critical care, God gave me these verses:

Isaiah 43:1-3

"But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
“FEAR NOT, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, YOU ARE MINE.
WHEN you pass through the waters, I WILL be with you;
and through the rivers, they SHALL NOT overwhelm you;
WHEN you walk through fire you SHALL NOT be burned,
and the flame SHALL NOT consume you.
For I am the Lord YOUR God,
the Holy One of Israel, YOUR Savior."

I had really been becoming fearful of starting in the intensive care unit and had this feeling of ominous doom clouding my heart. I had read the above passage before—previously I had found comfort in its promises of not being overwhelmed, or consumed. However, this time I noticed the word “when”. God didn’t say “if”. God said “when”.

Maybe the fact that I found comfort in it seems strange, but if the conversation in my head were put into words, it would have been like THIS:

Me: Oh God, I’m afraid that I’m going to struggle through this semester. I’m afraid that I will not know enough. I’m afraid that this will be too much for me to handle, and I am going to fail.

God: Chrystianna, let ME answer those fearful thoughts. Your fears are correct. You WILL be put in situations that ARE too much for YOU to handle. YOU DON’T know enough to handle this semester’s clinical rotation in the ICU on your own. This semester, you WILL pass through waters that are over your head, fire that can burn, rivers capable of consuming. What you fear is real and true. This semester, by all logic, will be too much for YOU to handle.

Me: Oh God, then why did you call me to this impossible task, if I’m just going to fail?!!! I’m just a weak, feeble human. Before I started nursing school, I thought I was smart, and good at stuff. In fact, I thought my smarts were maybe why you chose me for this. HOWEVER, nursing school has taken away all my confidence. I feel more acutely aware of my ability to fail and mess up than ever before. There are so many people that are better suited to this. There are so many people that are smarter, less klutzy, and less fearful than me. I have so many shortcomings and failures, Father. Why would you call me to this profession, when there are others that are more naturally suited to this? I know you are God, so you don’t make mistakes. But does this mean I am purposed to be one of those “vessels for dishonorable use” or something? I CANNOT do this GOD! I CANNOT DO THIS!

God: Chrystianna, Chrystianna. You are right. I have called you to a profession that YOU cannot do. You are right. You ARE weak and feeble. I could have chosen someone who was naturally smarter, and who would not have struggled as much as you feel you have.

HOWEVER, you are forgetting something… You are MINE. I AM with you ALWAYS. I will help you. Let Me ask you this: Chrystianna, am I smart enough to get through intensive care?

Me: Yes, YOU are.

God: Do deep waters overwhelm ME?

Me: No.

God: Does fire burn or consume ME?

Me: Of course not, You are GOD. Nothing is too much for you.

God: So, if I AM with you, and I say that I WILL help you—can ANYTHING that is MY will be TOO MUCH for you?

Me: I guess not…

God: Chrystianna, if this is impossible without MY help, don’t you think it makes sense that I would choose someone who would feel the NEED to turn to ME and TRUST in ME for strength? The sick are the ones that need a doctor. Those that are well do not. If you were perfectly able to do this yourself, why would you seek my help? How much glory would I receive for your success, if you felt that you did it all yourself?

Me: I guess not much… So, basically, you are reminding me that I’m the PERFECT PICK for this calling, because I am so imperfect and needy for Your help. You chose me, because you knew, if I was going to get through this, I would have no choice BUT to trust You.

Okay God. I have nothing to fall back on in myself or other people. No one else can be my strength. YOU are my ONLY hope. I am acutely aware of this fact, now. If you get me through this semester, ALL the glory is YOURS. I can do ALL THINGS through YOU who give me strength. I am choosing to have faith now, that you WILL bring me through.


-----


Then I went to ICU my first day and it went pretty rough. I came back from clinical and found myself wondering how I would ever be able to get through five more weeks. I found myself becoming frustrated with God.

Me: God, I thought You said you would save me. Why did you let me mess up. I told you I wanted to have faith and trust You. I prayed that you would take away my fear of clinical. Now I have MORE REASON to be fearful than before!

God: Chrystianna, when you prayed for me to take away your fear and give you faith, was that really what you meant?

Me: Of course.

God: Chrystianna, you wanted me to take away the situations that caused you fear. You wanted me to give you a sign that you would for sure pass.

Me: Hmmnn… Maybe that is true…

God: If I took away the situations and circumstances that cause you fear and gave you a sign that you would for sure pass—would that ACTUALLY fix your struggle with fear?—would it really enlarge your faith?

Me: I guess not. I guess it would just be ignoring the problems. I would not be less fearful. I would not have more faith.

God: EXACTLY. Unless you have fearful circustances, you will never learn how to NOT fear. Unless you have situations that seem impossible where the end is not spelled out, you will never learn HOW to have faith. Why choose to believe in something, if it’s set in stone fact? That is not faith.

Do not worry. I HEARD your prayer. BELIEVE ME. I am going to ANSWER IT. I am indeed going to use this semester to teach you not to fear, and to enlarge your faith and trust. I know best, daughter. I love you. Everything I do in your life is for a specific purpose.

Hebrews 11:1—Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

Romans 8: 24-39

"For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,

“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Yes, faith and fear have been the character issues that God has been dealing with in my life. I am still in the middle of it, but I believe God will bring me the rest of the way and He WILL receive the glory!

-Chrystianna

So the fam has moved once again. I love returning to the DC area. It was by far my favorite place we've lived, and when I heard we were returning, I got so excited. It seemed so nice to be able to actually move somewhere that we already knew people. I love my family - REALLY, I do. BUT I am a very social person, and I really was missing the chance to hang out with people OUTSIDE the family on breaks. We've moved every year I have been at school. So every time I've come home for breaks the only folks I actually know are my family, and whoever I meet over that break. Finally I get to see some old FAMILIAR faces!

Of course, returning to places is always different from how you picture it. I always paint such glorious pictures in my head of optimistic expectations. I always seem to forget the fact that you can't just pick up where you left off. Life has happened. People change. People are busy and have lives that are busy with other things. My head pictures a puzzle. When we moved away we took away a puzzle piece. My unrealistic expectations ignorantly anticipated returning to the puzzle with our piece still missing - the empty spot just waiting for us to fill it and for things to go back to the way they were. In reality, the puzzle we return to is no longer missing any puzzle pieces and even has changed shapes. Other people and things have filled the hole we left. Everything seems to be running just fine without us. So, at least for the initial first few months, we exist as onlookers trying to determine where we will be able to fit in this NEW puzzle. It is not a bad thing. This sort of change has almost always resulted in ultimate good. It's just not COMFORTABLE... and my selfish SELF likes being comfortable.

Speaking of uncomfortable. Job searching is crazy when you do it in the middle of the summer. HOWEVER, I hate not being busy. I feel like a lazy butt. I feel useless without a schedule. So I decided to at least start volunteering at a nearby military pharmacy. I think that will be pretty awesome. I'll be working with a bunch of retirees and military folks. =D LOVE IT!

Speaking of the military... I really think I want to join the Air Force medical reserves after school. I love the military medical atmosphere!!!

-Chrystianna

I should be writing papers and cramming for tests right now instead of blogging! HOWEVER, I am going to write because I feel like it, and I need to just vent.


Happy belated, by—like—over a month, Singleness Awareness Day. I meant to blog about how nice Valentines was, and all that jazz, but life got busy and I forgot.


I have been thinking a lot recently. Mostly about school, papers, clinical, and other unexciting stuff like that, but also some Spiritual and character areas.


God has been showing me a lot this semester. I have learned many things about myself. Mainly they are areas that I need to FIX. I shall ONLY share two of them because I tend to overwrite anyway, and I could probably write a book if I covered them all. Let’s start with problem #1:


I’ll share a little secret…


I am actually a very lazy person.
…
…
Phew. Glad to get THAT off my chest!


Once upon a time—like last week—I would have been incredulous if anyone applied the term “lazy” to myself. But then God did. BURN. That got my attention. I mean, seriously?


I like to stay “busy” all the time. My co-workers and supervisors would probably be surprised by my disclosure. I am sort of the “Go-go-go” energizer bunny at work. I HAVE to stay busy! You see, there are certain things that drive me nuts! They are standing still… or going slow… or waiting…because then my mind gets bored, and I feel very, very uncomfortable and insecure, and well—useless. This may not be a bad quality at work—but this is how I live my LIFE.


How is this lazy behavior, you might be wondering?


This semester, God has brought to my attention that I’m sort of a “Martha-busywork-er”. I try to fill my mind and life with so much busyness that I can be lazy in the areas that actually matter. I focus so much on lists and “measurable” action, and tend to let the “unseen” areas fall out of my mind.


I don’t know about YOUR mind, but MY mind tends to act like a sponge. My sponge can only hold so much before I have to start pushing stuff out to fit new stuff in. This is why I believe finals are always such a traumatic experience. Scene: *Chrystianna opens her notes to the beginning of semester to study for a cumulative final exam and makes an expression of panic* “Did we REALLY cover all of this?! I don’t remember any of it! Oh boy.” *CRAM, CRAM,CRAM…*


With classwork, I find the sponge is annoying and inconvenient. In life, however, I maximize on it and use it for my advantage.


I use busyness and activity to fill up my sponge so that I do not have to think about or deal with the areas that I do not want to deal with or am afraid of dealing with because they will make me feel uncomfortable. When there is no room, there is no room—sorry! It’s great! Whether the problem is getting right with God or getting asked on an uncomfortable breakfast date—easy answers abound: “Oh bummer, I have SO much STUDYING to do! Sorry, love to, but can’t…” “Or sorry, I actually need to deal with this other problem right now”. It’s not that studying, or accomplishing other tasks is wrong, but, usually, there is always a BEST choice, and that’s often the one that I try to avoid at all costs, because it’s usually the most uncomfortable!


I guess, it’s sort of like my life is a series of NCLEX questions. (*NCLEX is the nursing board licensure test that we take after we graduate from nursing school.) Basically NCLEX style questioning is “ALL answers may be CORRECT, but pick the BEST answer to get the question RIGHT.”


My life in NCLEX (More than one answer may be CORRECT but choose the BEST one):


Question: It’s Saturday. Med-Surg test is on Monday. Room looks decent, but could be better. I first choose to:
a) Study for Med-Surg test.
b) Clean my room, do laundry, and disinfect all of my shoes (Hey, they were getting stinky. They NEEDED it…).
Answer: a. Although cleaning, laundry and disinfecting are important, studying equals the priority and BEST answer. Which do I pick? b.


Question: It’s Monday. Medsurg test in 2 hours. My first priority is:
a) Skip devos. Cram!
b) Do 5 minute devos. Beg God for forgiveness. CRAM.
c) Do normal devos—and study with whatever time I have left.
d) Pray for mercy for next 2 hours and a MIRACLE. Obviously it’s too late to make a dent in my studies.
Answer: c. I sinned and got myself into the mess. God and I had an appointment and I need to honor it. Which do I usually pick? Hmmn… answer varies on this one. I’m SUCH a SINNER.


Question: One of the guys you have kinda liked a really long time, but have not given any major hints to (because you are sworn to be single till you graduate and don’t want to mess things up), comes over to purposefully talk to you while you are stocking napkins at work, and just as he is about to say something MORE *oh rapture!* than just “How’s it going?”, three girls come up and surround him. You wait for a few minutes while you continue stocking napkins, but it looks like he’s stuck. Conversation is ended. Opportunity gone. You:
a) Stay standing there and butt back into the conversation.
b) Accept defeat and get back to work. Pin the plastic smile on your face and grumble in your heart about your frustrations. Oh the trials we go through…
c) As soon as possible, call a friend or your mom to talk out all your frustrations.
d) Finish restocking napkins and move on. Tell God about it. Why are you thinking about guys anyway??? You made a commitment, girl. Trust God and stop worrying about it—obviously it was for the best. You should be SOBER-minded, DUH!
Answer: Correct answer is d. Of course, IF this had ACTUALLY happened, I would have LIKELY picked b. Although, c. is another favorite response.


Question: You know you need to repent about something God has brought to your attention. You:
a) Start studying for your test next month. It’s important! Besides, I need to stop procrastinating all the time, right? No time for negative thoughts or talking with God.
b) Start worrying about the end of the world, your roommate’s puppy, Sam, that sneezed yesterday and might be sick, and your fears that God will call you to a lifetime of celibacy against your will… Oh the trials we go through! What was it You were saying, God? My mind is too busy to worry about THAT right now!
c) Decide it’s time to make goody bags for EVERYBODY in your prayer group with an encouraging message, so that you will feel better about yourself. Sorry God, I’m too busy SERVING You for my own means to spend any time with You!
d) Repent right away. Deal with the problem, and spend the time necessary to get right with God before moving on to other things.
e) Decide to blog about your problem of laziness. I’ll talk to YOU about it LATER, God.
Answer: Correct answer is d.


Like Martha, in the Bible, I’m so busy filling my time with activity that I miss out on some of the most important and valuable experiences. I proverbially “miss the forest for the trees”. I find myself dealing with everything but the root of the issue or the problem.


Martha’s NCLEX question probably looked a lot like this:


Question: You are Martha. Jesus and 13 other men (adding Lazarus) just showed up at your house unannounced. You know that Jesus is very wise and important and you feel inadequate to face Him, because, every time you talk to Him, He reveals things in your life that challenge your comfort zones and involve change. Your sister, Mary, is sitting at His feet listening to Him and doesn’t seem to care that His perfection reveals her imperfections. Jesus knows about her sins. She used to be a prostitute. EVERYBODY knows what she was like before. You wish you could be real with Jesus like your little sister, but you are afraid of what He’ll think when He sees the REAL you. You like ignoring your flaws and keeping up your image of control and order. You choose to:
a) Hide yourself in the kitchen and work really hard. Appearances are everything. Jesus won’t catch me being a slacker. Maybe He’ll praise me for being so diligent and serving them so well.
b) Rebuke my sister’s sin of laziness. Surely Jesus will agree that house work and service are more important than chatter. Besides, she’s a woman. It’s not her place to be with the men.
c) Get over your pride, join Mary, and face Jesus and listen. I’m not fooling Jesus by avoiding Him. Besides, His words are priority. Dishes can be done later, when the men are gone.
d) Both a. and b.
Answer: Jesus said that the answer was c. Martha, just as I would have probably done, chose d.


Yes, the laziness I’m talking about is not defined by activity level. Rather it is rooted in whether the real problems are being dealt with when they should be. With THAT definition, I am a very lazy person. I keep choosing mindless, measurable, busywork or outlets instead of just DOING what I know I should.
A lazy, busy, person am I.


SOMEONE must change. It cannot be God. SO, it MUST be ME.


In the words of many *blessed* Pastors *20 minutes into the message*: “THAT was my introduction. Now for my FIRST point...”


Haha. Just kidding. Kinda.


The OTHER lesson (it’s shorter—I PROMISE) that I’ve been learning and will share is:


After reading Kevin Leman’s The Birth Order Book for a class. I found out I’m a severe perfectionist. I also found out that perfectionism is not healthy, which I found a tad surprising. Why is unhealthy?
Basically, I am not perfect, I’m never going to be perfect, and that SHOULD BE OKAY. When I expect myself to perform perfectly, I’m raising my expectations higher than even God’s expectations. Such expectations are impossible to achieve until I am DEAD (Which explains why I have gone through so many “COME LORD JESUS” moments, recently, simply because I’m sick of failing all the time). I focus too much on outcomes and results, instead of the effort. So, when I mess up or do not achieve the goals I set, I feel like a failure, internalize it, and beat myself up about it.


Instead of making my focus BEING THE BEST, my focus should be GIVING MY BEST, and being content with whatever results. Perfectionism is usually prideful, depressing and joyless. God only asks us to give our best and trust Him with the results. He promises to meet our needs. He does not promise to make us win all the time, if we follow a specific system.
Example: “Prayed and fasted all week [check], read 20 chapters of Bible [check], memorized all 50 pages of notes [check], abstained from all meat this week to demonstrate to God how serious I am about winning [check].” –FYI, this is definitely an exaggeration. I’ve never done all of this except the meat part. Although if I was actually capable of it, I wouldn’t put it past my pharisaical self, if I thought it would mean getting what I wanted all the time.


There is no formula, or special prayer that will allow us to always get what we want from God. I could work my butt off studying for a test and still make a C if God wanted to get my attention (Not that I ever had that happen or anything…). Effort and completed task lists do not guarantee A’s. God is still sovereign and His plans aren’t always ours. When we get focused on the results more than simply God’s will and our effort quality, then God might have to throw a curveball at us to wake us up to our NEED for Him (Once again, not that I’m speaking from experience or anything). He DOESN’T ask us to be perfect. If it were possible to be perfect and never make mistakes, we wouldn’t need God.


Man I’m too verbose!


I just needed to purge these thoughts for a few minutes.


Alright. Now I’ll go get to work writing the papers I need to write… Maybe after I repent of being lazy, or maybe I’ll go call my grandparents, or maybe I should get the vacuum…


I’m a work in progress… Give me a break. =/


—Chrystiannna

I'm in the thick of yet another semester of nursing school. I feel slightly exhausted, to put it mildly... but hopeful.

Last week was a major turning point for me.

I had been dealing with feeling disappointed in myself lately and in my recent loss of confidence.

I felt like I had let the past two-and-a-half years cause my confidence to wilt, and I had become a fearful, defeated mouse. Where had my confidence gone? Obviously God doesn't change, so the problem had to be with me, I was certain.

Well, the night before going to my last Oncology (cancer) clinical in Med-Surg, I found myself sitting in my car. My brain was overwhelmed with emotion that I desperately wanted to release, but I could not decide how I might express it. The mix of emotions, indeed, included fear, and a sense of ominous doom. I prayed, but I felt no power in my prayers, no peace. I had already tried to cry--but no tears would come. I commented to the Lord that "A rapture, right now, would be very welcome."

I sat in silence. Bitterness began to fill my heart that I was unable to even feel relief this night, when I tried to turn to God and pray. What's wrong with me? I sensed something was missing in my prayer...maybe, sincerity?

How stupid, Chrystianna, you are unable to even adequately verbalize your emotions to God. You can't even pray right. All I felt was my utter frustration at myself, my lack of faith, my fear.

Then, out of desperation, I just SCREAMED.

I let the sound hang in the air of my car. I knew no one could hear me--and it felt... AMAZING! Finally, I FEEL something, I thought. It was a good feeling. I never get to yell or scream here, at school. God wants me to be real with Him. WELL, MAYBE I need to have a good scream...

SO, I yelled as loud as I could:

"GOD, I'M ANGRY!
I'M MAD AT MYSELF!
I HATE FEELING LIKE A FEARFUL MOUSE.
I WANT TO BE A LION!
I WANT TO TRUST, YOU, GOD!
I WANT TO LEAN INTO YOUR STRENGTH, BECAUSE I HAVE NONE!
WHERE IS MY FAITH? I FEEL SO PATHETIC, GOD! I HAVE FAILED YOU, UTTERLY!"

Then I pictured Satan grinning at my cowardliness, my feeling of hopelessness, and my lack of trust.

"I'M MAD AT SATAN!
HOW DARE HE TRY TO CONVINCE ME THAT THESE STRUGGLES ARE TOO BIG!

"SHUT UP, SATAN!
I KNOW I'M A NOBODY! YOU DON'T NEED TO KEEP TELLING ME. I KNOW HOW BLACK MY SINS ARE AND HOW UGLY MY PAST IS. I'M BROKEN. I'M WILTED. I KNOW WHO I AM. AREN'T YOU JUST GRINNING AT THIS CRUMPLED MESS YOU'VE CREATED? I HATE YOUR GRIN!"


I paused to sort through my rambled shoutings. Maybe this, was, indeed, a time to acknowledge the Spiritual warfare.



"SHUT UP SATAN! TOO OFTEN YOU FRIGHTEN ME, DEFEAT ME! HOWEVER, REGARDLESS OF MY FEELINGS, THIS IS WHAT I KNOW:

"MY GOD HAS COVERED ME. JESUS SAW ME WRITHING IN MY BLOOD AND FILTHINESS, AND CHOSE TO RAISE ME UP, CLEAN ME OFF, AND REDEEM ME. MY GOD IS STRONG AND HE CHOSE TO SAVE ME!

"WHY? I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA! BUT I KNOW THAT HE DID, WHETHER IT MAKES SENSE OR NOT!

"MY GOD SAYS THAT HE NO LONGER CONDEMNS ME, BUT NOW HE SEES JESUS' BLOOD AND I AM NOW BOUGHT AND JUSTIFIED. HE SAYS I AM NOW QUALIFIED TO APPROACH HIS THRONE.


"THIS IS WHAT I KNOW: GOD SAYS HE LOVES ME WITH AN EVERLASTING LOVE! GOD SAYS HE LOVES ME! THAT'S STINKIN' AMAZING!

"NOT ONLY THAT, SATAN, GOD PROMISES TO COMFORT ALL MY WASTE PLACES AND RESTORE THE FIELDS THAT THE LOCUSTS HAVE EATEN. GOD SAYS HE WILL SANCTIFY AND WASH ME AND PRESENT ME WITHOUT SPOT!

"SO WHAT, THAT I DON'T LIKE TO SPEAK IN FRONT OF PEOPLE-- AND, YET, GOD CALLED ME TO SPEAK IN FRONT OF PEOPLE? SO WHAT THAT I HAVE TROUBLE FOCUSING AND HAVE TO WORK HARDER TO DO WELL IN SCHOOL--AND, YET, GOD CALLED ME TO STUDY NURSING? GOD ISN'T STUPID.

"YES, I FEEL INADEQUATE IN JUST ABOUT EVERY AREA-- BUT MY GOD SAYS HE CHOOSES THE WEAK THINGS, THE DESPISED THINGS, THE THINGS THAT ARE NOT.

"Yes, Satan, I am quite aware of how pathetic I am, how weak I am, how much of a freak I am...

BUT, I'm gonna *in my best pentecostal preacher voice* GLORY in my infirmities! BECAUSE IN THESE, MY MANY, MANY WEAKNESSES and INADEQUACIES, I'm a PERFECT VESSEL to DEMONSTRATE JUST HOW STRONG AND TRUSTWORTHYMY GOD IS!

"SO KEEP TALKIN' OR SHUT UP, SATAN! MY GOD IS SO MUCH MORE POWERFULTHAN YOU AND HE IS GOING TO USE ME, IN SPITE OF WHATEVER YOU THROW AT ME!

"I'M SO DONE WITH THIS FEAR! IT IS USELESS! MY GOD is COMPLETELYTRUSTWORTHY and HE WILL BE FAITHFUL--EVEN WHEN I'M NOT."


In the loudest voice I could muster:

"I LOVE YOU, GOD! I'M GONNA CHOOSE TO TRUST YOU!"

Who knew how therapeutic a "scream session" could be?




Ps. 37:1-3

The Lord is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the defense of my life;
Whom shall I dread?
2 When evildoers came upon me to devour my flesh,
My adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell.
3 Though a host encamp against me,
My heart will not fear;
Though war arise against me,
In spite of this I shall be confident.

Sometimes I like to synthesize my devotions and Scripture reading into “letters” from God. It helps me internalize what God is teaching me.



Good Morning,


God here. You seem depressed and worn out, and you have only been awake for an hour today. As I have told you before, please, come to me and I will give you rest (Mt. 11:28). I am always astounded by how quickly you can begin to freak out and forget that I am here with you. Every day I watch you wake up. Often, I hear your thoughts of hopelessness about facing another day, and then I see you pull yourself out of bed. For a few seconds you seem hopeful, sometimes even happy—mostly that you finally got yourself out of the bed. What, many times, happens next always grieves Me. You sit up, and I watch your facial expression. You take on that now-very-familiar look of ominous doom and fear—yes, your thoughts of everything you must do today, your perception of its seeming impossibility because of past failures, have just come crashing out of the fog of sleep to the forefront of your awareness. I watch as your back and neck muscles become tense and your eyes become dull, the earlier light of hope snuffed out.


Then your typical expression of guilt and drudgery wash over you. Your thoughts are dryly humorous to me, “Oh yeah, I guess I better do some devo's or else I’m really going to bomb today.” The way you think the words makes it sound that the task is terribly burdensome to you—a duty, or a cross that you must bear for a short time before getting to the important stuff. You fumble to the kitchen and pour yourself some coffee. Then you settle down in your chair and open your Bible. You read until you feel you have appeased Me and have put in your time. Then you feel guilty for compartmentalizing Me, so you utter a prayer for forgiveness and try to appease Me with an “acceptable” amount of time. Your prayers are filled mostly with worried ramblings and spilling your biggest fears of the day. You intend to give praises and seek My peace, but, before you get to that part of your prayer, you are almost always distracted by the time, or life.


So often I see you walk away from our time more freaked out and weary than when you began. Many a morning you bring me your box of burdens and pull each one out, describe it in great detail, and then put it back in the box. You always end up surprising yourself with how many burdens you have, and, often, you rediscover old burdens you had forgotten at the bottom of the box. At that point, you are near panic. Then the distraction comes, or you realize you “served your time” for the morning. Quickly, you utter your “Amen”, grab your box, and run off to toil away.


There I am, left still standing with My arms outstretched, ready to take those burdens in one arm and comfort you in the other (Is. 51:3). Instead of trusting Me with your box and receiving My comfort, you leave Me to just sit and watch. I watch as you try to carry your burdens and try to tackle all these things you feel that you MUST get done or that cloud of doom will overtake you again. I really do hate this game that you play. It only hurts you—which hurts Me. In case you didn't notice, I really do not enjoy watching you torment yourself. I do not like seeing you feel miserable and hopeless all the time--and for no cause.


You see, when I originally created mankind, it was for My pleasure. I created you to have a relationship with Me and to love Me. So often you are bogged down by work. I gave you work to allow you to grow closer to Me through identification (Gen 1:26, 2:15). You see, even I, the God of the universe, work. Work is meant to be fulfilling and good. Work itself is not the issue that weighs you down. What weighs you down is your fear of intimacy with Me and sin.


The intimacy problem started long ago. In Genesis, after my humans, Adam and Eve, brought wisdom of good and evil to mankind through sin, shame and guilt also entered the world. Now work could no longer be as sweet (Gen. 3:7). Now work became more difficult and painful (Gen 3:16-19). Now, without My assistance and blessing, all work became a burden too heavy to bear (Ps. 127).


But, here is the deal: not only did sin make work harder, it also created the ability to reject Me, the only One who could help. After sin entered, My creation built a wall in our relationship. I created man to know Me intimately and to be known intimately by Me. Before sin, there was no hiding, no secrets (Gen. 2:25). The beauty of intimate love is the knowledge that you are fully known and still fully loved. The shame that Adam and Eve immediately experienced from realizing their nakedness was their awareness and fear of rejection based upon that intimacy. Before, there was nothing to be ashamed of. Now they feared the consequences of continued intimacy and, therefore, chose to no longer be intimate (Gen 3:7-11).


With sin in the world, man began trying to do things alone, and to hide their hearts from Me, and to reject intimacy. My intimate knowledge of the contents of man’s hearts was not changed by sin, but the joy and sweetness of reciprocated, volunteered intimacy and love—that was torn from Me. I created You humans out of my love, but You rejected Me.


It was at this point that appeasement began. Empty words and sacrifices I do not desire; instead, I desire a contrite heart (Ps. 51:16-19). If I get only words and sacrifices that are fake and do not fully and accurately reflect your heart’s condition—they are meaningless and worthless to me (Ps 51:16, Is. 1:11-13). I made dirt out of nothing and man out of dirt. I do not NEED anything. I am God. However, the one thing that I desire is what I can only obtain by your volunteering it—your love and adoration. Your heart and worship are the only acceptable gifts.

Cain didn't understand this. He offered me sacrifices in the same way that you offer them. He gave Me his vegetables, but I would not accept the sacrifice (Gen 4:4-5). Often, you humans focus on the idea that I rejected it because he didn’t give his BEST vegetables to Me, and Abel gave Me his BEST lamb. Do you think that I really care about vegetables and sheep? (Is. 1:11) You miss it. It wasn’t the sacrifice alone that caused My rejection of it. It was his heart. Abel’s sacrifice paralleled the offering of his heart. Caine’s sacrifice was a lie, because his heart was not given to Me. His sacrifice was false (Is. 1:13). How can one accept a pretend sacrifice?


You see, that is the problem. The whole Old Testament reflects this struggle that was introduced—the struggle for man's heart. I did everything for Israel. I blessed them and saved their butts countless times, yet they still constantly rejected Me with their hearts (Ps. 78). Hearts love—it is just a fact. Though the heart rejects loving Me, it does not stop loving. It will love other things, people, or self.


Put yourself in My position for a moment. You are My bride (Is. 54:5). How would you feel if you married someone and they refused to be intimate with you? Picture a spouse that never enjoys talking with you or spending time with you. The only time your spouse comes to you is when they feel guilty, have no other choice, or want to use you to get something. During the few, short times your spouse does talk with or spend time with you, you know that their heart is thinking about something or someone else. You give them everything, trying to win their love (Rom. 8:31-32). You watch your spouse and you know things are going on in their mind or life, but they refuse to tell you or let you know what’s going on. Imagine the agony of knowing EXACTLY what’s going on and them still refusing to talk to you about it.


Imagine that your spouse is in the middle of an affair and then says to you, “Here’s a card, happy anniversary, I love you so much, honey. We're good now, right? Now give me ___, so I can get back to my deadbeat lover” (Ez. 16:15-20). That isn’t an acceptable sacrifice. That’s a slap in the face.


So, My child, do you see why you are so often in such turmoil? You have been refusing intimacy and your heart has been far from Me. When you do talk to Me, you do it because you feel you have to. You give Me lip sacrifice and tell Me what you think I want to hear, but your heart does not echo the sentiments. You have made your relationship with Me a drudgery rather than a joyful endeavor. Yes, you are stressed. I know it all. I’m here. I WANT to carry the weight of your burdens and fears. I want you to entrust them to Me. I am insulted by your refusal of my chivalry. Let ME be your God and love. Let ME be your deliverer, your protector, your comforter. You are being ridiculous when you try to be your own deliverer, and comforter. Give ME verbally and heartily all your insecurities, your weakness, your uglies, so that I can remind you that I saved you with full knowledge of it all (Ez. 16:8).

Do not try to hide from Me. Hold nothing from Me. I already know it all. In human relationships, people may fear rejection when sharing intimate things. Do not fear MY rejection. Nothing you can say or acknowledge to Me will free Me to reject you. You see, you are in a COVENANT with Me—not a contract.Salvation is saying “I do,” to the ultimate marriage vow (Hosea 2:19-20). You have chosen to die to independence, separation and loneliness and accept the marriage offer that My son offered with His blood.


When one is married to Me, I cannot reject him. Contracts have conditions. If one party does not follow through on their end, the other party is no longer obligated to hold to the contract. Covenants are promises forever, made by two parties. A covenant is NOT an agreement. If I promise to do something and you promise to do something, does your breaking of your promise allow me to break MY promise? No. Breaking a promise or vow is sin. I cannot sin. I promised to love you with an everlasting love (Jer. 31:3). Your unfaithfulness does not free Me from this promise. You can reject me, but I will NEVER reject you. So, there is no reason not to be intimate and give Me your whole heart—you can trust Me.


Do not continue to make Me watch you reject my love. Do not offer Me more fake sacrifices and lip service. I desire your honesty, love, and affection. Stop hiding your true heart from Me. Become intimate with your Maker. We could be so happy together.


LOVE ME and RECEIVE MY LOVE.
KNOW ME and BE KNOWN.

-God