It is hard to put into words everything that God has been trying to teach me this semester. Impossible really. He has really been growing my faith.

These passages have taken on newer and deeper meaning as I have been walking through this semester. The beginning of this semester, right before I started my clinical rotation in critical care, God gave me these verses:

Isaiah 43:1-3

"But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
“FEAR NOT, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, YOU ARE MINE.
WHEN you pass through the waters, I WILL be with you;
and through the rivers, they SHALL NOT overwhelm you;
WHEN you walk through fire you SHALL NOT be burned,
and the flame SHALL NOT consume you.
For I am the Lord YOUR God,
the Holy One of Israel, YOUR Savior."

I had really been becoming fearful of starting in the intensive care unit and had this feeling of ominous doom clouding my heart. I had read the above passage before—previously I had found comfort in its promises of not being overwhelmed, or consumed. However, this time I noticed the word “when”. God didn’t say “if”. God said “when”.

Maybe the fact that I found comfort in it seems strange, but if the conversation in my head were put into words, it would have been like THIS:

Me: Oh God, I’m afraid that I’m going to struggle through this semester. I’m afraid that I will not know enough. I’m afraid that this will be too much for me to handle, and I am going to fail.

God: Chrystianna, let ME answer those fearful thoughts. Your fears are correct. You WILL be put in situations that ARE too much for YOU to handle. YOU DON’T know enough to handle this semester’s clinical rotation in the ICU on your own. This semester, you WILL pass through waters that are over your head, fire that can burn, rivers capable of consuming. What you fear is real and true. This semester, by all logic, will be too much for YOU to handle.

Me: Oh God, then why did you call me to this impossible task, if I’m just going to fail?!!! I’m just a weak, feeble human. Before I started nursing school, I thought I was smart, and good at stuff. In fact, I thought my smarts were maybe why you chose me for this. HOWEVER, nursing school has taken away all my confidence. I feel more acutely aware of my ability to fail and mess up than ever before. There are so many people that are better suited to this. There are so many people that are smarter, less klutzy, and less fearful than me. I have so many shortcomings and failures, Father. Why would you call me to this profession, when there are others that are more naturally suited to this? I know you are God, so you don’t make mistakes. But does this mean I am purposed to be one of those “vessels for dishonorable use” or something? I CANNOT do this GOD! I CANNOT DO THIS!

God: Chrystianna, Chrystianna. You are right. I have called you to a profession that YOU cannot do. You are right. You ARE weak and feeble. I could have chosen someone who was naturally smarter, and who would not have struggled as much as you feel you have.

HOWEVER, you are forgetting something… You are MINE. I AM with you ALWAYS. I will help you. Let Me ask you this: Chrystianna, am I smart enough to get through intensive care?

Me: Yes, YOU are.

God: Do deep waters overwhelm ME?

Me: No.

God: Does fire burn or consume ME?

Me: Of course not, You are GOD. Nothing is too much for you.

God: So, if I AM with you, and I say that I WILL help you—can ANYTHING that is MY will be TOO MUCH for you?

Me: I guess not…

God: Chrystianna, if this is impossible without MY help, don’t you think it makes sense that I would choose someone who would feel the NEED to turn to ME and TRUST in ME for strength? The sick are the ones that need a doctor. Those that are well do not. If you were perfectly able to do this yourself, why would you seek my help? How much glory would I receive for your success, if you felt that you did it all yourself?

Me: I guess not much… So, basically, you are reminding me that I’m the PERFECT PICK for this calling, because I am so imperfect and needy for Your help. You chose me, because you knew, if I was going to get through this, I would have no choice BUT to trust You.

Okay God. I have nothing to fall back on in myself or other people. No one else can be my strength. YOU are my ONLY hope. I am acutely aware of this fact, now. If you get me through this semester, ALL the glory is YOURS. I can do ALL THINGS through YOU who give me strength. I am choosing to have faith now, that you WILL bring me through.


-----


Then I went to ICU my first day and it went pretty rough. I came back from clinical and found myself wondering how I would ever be able to get through five more weeks. I found myself becoming frustrated with God.

Me: God, I thought You said you would save me. Why did you let me mess up. I told you I wanted to have faith and trust You. I prayed that you would take away my fear of clinical. Now I have MORE REASON to be fearful than before!

God: Chrystianna, when you prayed for me to take away your fear and give you faith, was that really what you meant?

Me: Of course.

God: Chrystianna, you wanted me to take away the situations that caused you fear. You wanted me to give you a sign that you would for sure pass.

Me: Hmmnn… Maybe that is true…

God: If I took away the situations and circumstances that cause you fear and gave you a sign that you would for sure pass—would that ACTUALLY fix your struggle with fear?—would it really enlarge your faith?

Me: I guess not. I guess it would just be ignoring the problems. I would not be less fearful. I would not have more faith.

God: EXACTLY. Unless you have fearful circustances, you will never learn how to NOT fear. Unless you have situations that seem impossible where the end is not spelled out, you will never learn HOW to have faith. Why choose to believe in something, if it’s set in stone fact? That is not faith.

Do not worry. I HEARD your prayer. BELIEVE ME. I am going to ANSWER IT. I am indeed going to use this semester to teach you not to fear, and to enlarge your faith and trust. I know best, daughter. I love you. Everything I do in your life is for a specific purpose.

Hebrews 11:1—Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

Romans 8: 24-39

"For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,

“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Yes, faith and fear have been the character issues that God has been dealing with in my life. I am still in the middle of it, but I believe God will bring me the rest of the way and He WILL receive the glory!

-Chrystianna

I'm in the thick of yet another semester of nursing school. I feel slightly exhausted, to put it mildly... but hopeful.

Last week was a major turning point for me.

I had been dealing with feeling disappointed in myself lately and in my recent loss of confidence.

I felt like I had let the past two-and-a-half years cause my confidence to wilt, and I had become a fearful, defeated mouse. Where had my confidence gone? Obviously God doesn't change, so the problem had to be with me, I was certain.

Well, the night before going to my last Oncology (cancer) clinical in Med-Surg, I found myself sitting in my car. My brain was overwhelmed with emotion that I desperately wanted to release, but I could not decide how I might express it. The mix of emotions, indeed, included fear, and a sense of ominous doom. I prayed, but I felt no power in my prayers, no peace. I had already tried to cry--but no tears would come. I commented to the Lord that "A rapture, right now, would be very welcome."

I sat in silence. Bitterness began to fill my heart that I was unable to even feel relief this night, when I tried to turn to God and pray. What's wrong with me? I sensed something was missing in my prayer...maybe, sincerity?

How stupid, Chrystianna, you are unable to even adequately verbalize your emotions to God. You can't even pray right. All I felt was my utter frustration at myself, my lack of faith, my fear.

Then, out of desperation, I just SCREAMED.

I let the sound hang in the air of my car. I knew no one could hear me--and it felt... AMAZING! Finally, I FEEL something, I thought. It was a good feeling. I never get to yell or scream here, at school. God wants me to be real with Him. WELL, MAYBE I need to have a good scream...

SO, I yelled as loud as I could:

"GOD, I'M ANGRY!
I'M MAD AT MYSELF!
I HATE FEELING LIKE A FEARFUL MOUSE.
I WANT TO BE A LION!
I WANT TO TRUST, YOU, GOD!
I WANT TO LEAN INTO YOUR STRENGTH, BECAUSE I HAVE NONE!
WHERE IS MY FAITH? I FEEL SO PATHETIC, GOD! I HAVE FAILED YOU, UTTERLY!"

Then I pictured Satan grinning at my cowardliness, my feeling of hopelessness, and my lack of trust.

"I'M MAD AT SATAN!
HOW DARE HE TRY TO CONVINCE ME THAT THESE STRUGGLES ARE TOO BIG!

"SHUT UP, SATAN!
I KNOW I'M A NOBODY! YOU DON'T NEED TO KEEP TELLING ME. I KNOW HOW BLACK MY SINS ARE AND HOW UGLY MY PAST IS. I'M BROKEN. I'M WILTED. I KNOW WHO I AM. AREN'T YOU JUST GRINNING AT THIS CRUMPLED MESS YOU'VE CREATED? I HATE YOUR GRIN!"


I paused to sort through my rambled shoutings. Maybe this, was, indeed, a time to acknowledge the Spiritual warfare.



"SHUT UP SATAN! TOO OFTEN YOU FRIGHTEN ME, DEFEAT ME! HOWEVER, REGARDLESS OF MY FEELINGS, THIS IS WHAT I KNOW:

"MY GOD HAS COVERED ME. JESUS SAW ME WRITHING IN MY BLOOD AND FILTHINESS, AND CHOSE TO RAISE ME UP, CLEAN ME OFF, AND REDEEM ME. MY GOD IS STRONG AND HE CHOSE TO SAVE ME!

"WHY? I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA! BUT I KNOW THAT HE DID, WHETHER IT MAKES SENSE OR NOT!

"MY GOD SAYS THAT HE NO LONGER CONDEMNS ME, BUT NOW HE SEES JESUS' BLOOD AND I AM NOW BOUGHT AND JUSTIFIED. HE SAYS I AM NOW QUALIFIED TO APPROACH HIS THRONE.


"THIS IS WHAT I KNOW: GOD SAYS HE LOVES ME WITH AN EVERLASTING LOVE! GOD SAYS HE LOVES ME! THAT'S STINKIN' AMAZING!

"NOT ONLY THAT, SATAN, GOD PROMISES TO COMFORT ALL MY WASTE PLACES AND RESTORE THE FIELDS THAT THE LOCUSTS HAVE EATEN. GOD SAYS HE WILL SANCTIFY AND WASH ME AND PRESENT ME WITHOUT SPOT!

"SO WHAT, THAT I DON'T LIKE TO SPEAK IN FRONT OF PEOPLE-- AND, YET, GOD CALLED ME TO SPEAK IN FRONT OF PEOPLE? SO WHAT THAT I HAVE TROUBLE FOCUSING AND HAVE TO WORK HARDER TO DO WELL IN SCHOOL--AND, YET, GOD CALLED ME TO STUDY NURSING? GOD ISN'T STUPID.

"YES, I FEEL INADEQUATE IN JUST ABOUT EVERY AREA-- BUT MY GOD SAYS HE CHOOSES THE WEAK THINGS, THE DESPISED THINGS, THE THINGS THAT ARE NOT.

"Yes, Satan, I am quite aware of how pathetic I am, how weak I am, how much of a freak I am...

BUT, I'm gonna *in my best pentecostal preacher voice* GLORY in my infirmities! BECAUSE IN THESE, MY MANY, MANY WEAKNESSES and INADEQUACIES, I'm a PERFECT VESSEL to DEMONSTRATE JUST HOW STRONG AND TRUSTWORTHYMY GOD IS!

"SO KEEP TALKIN' OR SHUT UP, SATAN! MY GOD IS SO MUCH MORE POWERFULTHAN YOU AND HE IS GOING TO USE ME, IN SPITE OF WHATEVER YOU THROW AT ME!

"I'M SO DONE WITH THIS FEAR! IT IS USELESS! MY GOD is COMPLETELYTRUSTWORTHY and HE WILL BE FAITHFUL--EVEN WHEN I'M NOT."


In the loudest voice I could muster:

"I LOVE YOU, GOD! I'M GONNA CHOOSE TO TRUST YOU!"

Who knew how therapeutic a "scream session" could be?




Ps. 37:1-3

The Lord is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the defense of my life;
Whom shall I dread?
2 When evildoers came upon me to devour my flesh,
My adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell.
3 Though a host encamp against me,
My heart will not fear;
Though war arise against me,
In spite of this I shall be confident.

Sometimes I like to synthesize my devotions and Scripture reading into “letters” from God. It helps me internalize what God is teaching me.



Good Morning,


God here. You seem depressed and worn out, and you have only been awake for an hour today. As I have told you before, please, come to me and I will give you rest (Mt. 11:28). I am always astounded by how quickly you can begin to freak out and forget that I am here with you. Every day I watch you wake up. Often, I hear your thoughts of hopelessness about facing another day, and then I see you pull yourself out of bed. For a few seconds you seem hopeful, sometimes even happy—mostly that you finally got yourself out of the bed. What, many times, happens next always grieves Me. You sit up, and I watch your facial expression. You take on that now-very-familiar look of ominous doom and fear—yes, your thoughts of everything you must do today, your perception of its seeming impossibility because of past failures, have just come crashing out of the fog of sleep to the forefront of your awareness. I watch as your back and neck muscles become tense and your eyes become dull, the earlier light of hope snuffed out.


Then your typical expression of guilt and drudgery wash over you. Your thoughts are dryly humorous to me, “Oh yeah, I guess I better do some devo's or else I’m really going to bomb today.” The way you think the words makes it sound that the task is terribly burdensome to you—a duty, or a cross that you must bear for a short time before getting to the important stuff. You fumble to the kitchen and pour yourself some coffee. Then you settle down in your chair and open your Bible. You read until you feel you have appeased Me and have put in your time. Then you feel guilty for compartmentalizing Me, so you utter a prayer for forgiveness and try to appease Me with an “acceptable” amount of time. Your prayers are filled mostly with worried ramblings and spilling your biggest fears of the day. You intend to give praises and seek My peace, but, before you get to that part of your prayer, you are almost always distracted by the time, or life.


So often I see you walk away from our time more freaked out and weary than when you began. Many a morning you bring me your box of burdens and pull each one out, describe it in great detail, and then put it back in the box. You always end up surprising yourself with how many burdens you have, and, often, you rediscover old burdens you had forgotten at the bottom of the box. At that point, you are near panic. Then the distraction comes, or you realize you “served your time” for the morning. Quickly, you utter your “Amen”, grab your box, and run off to toil away.


There I am, left still standing with My arms outstretched, ready to take those burdens in one arm and comfort you in the other (Is. 51:3). Instead of trusting Me with your box and receiving My comfort, you leave Me to just sit and watch. I watch as you try to carry your burdens and try to tackle all these things you feel that you MUST get done or that cloud of doom will overtake you again. I really do hate this game that you play. It only hurts you—which hurts Me. In case you didn't notice, I really do not enjoy watching you torment yourself. I do not like seeing you feel miserable and hopeless all the time--and for no cause.


You see, when I originally created mankind, it was for My pleasure. I created you to have a relationship with Me and to love Me. So often you are bogged down by work. I gave you work to allow you to grow closer to Me through identification (Gen 1:26, 2:15). You see, even I, the God of the universe, work. Work is meant to be fulfilling and good. Work itself is not the issue that weighs you down. What weighs you down is your fear of intimacy with Me and sin.


The intimacy problem started long ago. In Genesis, after my humans, Adam and Eve, brought wisdom of good and evil to mankind through sin, shame and guilt also entered the world. Now work could no longer be as sweet (Gen. 3:7). Now work became more difficult and painful (Gen 3:16-19). Now, without My assistance and blessing, all work became a burden too heavy to bear (Ps. 127).


But, here is the deal: not only did sin make work harder, it also created the ability to reject Me, the only One who could help. After sin entered, My creation built a wall in our relationship. I created man to know Me intimately and to be known intimately by Me. Before sin, there was no hiding, no secrets (Gen. 2:25). The beauty of intimate love is the knowledge that you are fully known and still fully loved. The shame that Adam and Eve immediately experienced from realizing their nakedness was their awareness and fear of rejection based upon that intimacy. Before, there was nothing to be ashamed of. Now they feared the consequences of continued intimacy and, therefore, chose to no longer be intimate (Gen 3:7-11).


With sin in the world, man began trying to do things alone, and to hide their hearts from Me, and to reject intimacy. My intimate knowledge of the contents of man’s hearts was not changed by sin, but the joy and sweetness of reciprocated, volunteered intimacy and love—that was torn from Me. I created You humans out of my love, but You rejected Me.


It was at this point that appeasement began. Empty words and sacrifices I do not desire; instead, I desire a contrite heart (Ps. 51:16-19). If I get only words and sacrifices that are fake and do not fully and accurately reflect your heart’s condition—they are meaningless and worthless to me (Ps 51:16, Is. 1:11-13). I made dirt out of nothing and man out of dirt. I do not NEED anything. I am God. However, the one thing that I desire is what I can only obtain by your volunteering it—your love and adoration. Your heart and worship are the only acceptable gifts.

Cain didn't understand this. He offered me sacrifices in the same way that you offer them. He gave Me his vegetables, but I would not accept the sacrifice (Gen 4:4-5). Often, you humans focus on the idea that I rejected it because he didn’t give his BEST vegetables to Me, and Abel gave Me his BEST lamb. Do you think that I really care about vegetables and sheep? (Is. 1:11) You miss it. It wasn’t the sacrifice alone that caused My rejection of it. It was his heart. Abel’s sacrifice paralleled the offering of his heart. Caine’s sacrifice was a lie, because his heart was not given to Me. His sacrifice was false (Is. 1:13). How can one accept a pretend sacrifice?


You see, that is the problem. The whole Old Testament reflects this struggle that was introduced—the struggle for man's heart. I did everything for Israel. I blessed them and saved their butts countless times, yet they still constantly rejected Me with their hearts (Ps. 78). Hearts love—it is just a fact. Though the heart rejects loving Me, it does not stop loving. It will love other things, people, or self.


Put yourself in My position for a moment. You are My bride (Is. 54:5). How would you feel if you married someone and they refused to be intimate with you? Picture a spouse that never enjoys talking with you or spending time with you. The only time your spouse comes to you is when they feel guilty, have no other choice, or want to use you to get something. During the few, short times your spouse does talk with or spend time with you, you know that their heart is thinking about something or someone else. You give them everything, trying to win their love (Rom. 8:31-32). You watch your spouse and you know things are going on in their mind or life, but they refuse to tell you or let you know what’s going on. Imagine the agony of knowing EXACTLY what’s going on and them still refusing to talk to you about it.


Imagine that your spouse is in the middle of an affair and then says to you, “Here’s a card, happy anniversary, I love you so much, honey. We're good now, right? Now give me ___, so I can get back to my deadbeat lover” (Ez. 16:15-20). That isn’t an acceptable sacrifice. That’s a slap in the face.


So, My child, do you see why you are so often in such turmoil? You have been refusing intimacy and your heart has been far from Me. When you do talk to Me, you do it because you feel you have to. You give Me lip sacrifice and tell Me what you think I want to hear, but your heart does not echo the sentiments. You have made your relationship with Me a drudgery rather than a joyful endeavor. Yes, you are stressed. I know it all. I’m here. I WANT to carry the weight of your burdens and fears. I want you to entrust them to Me. I am insulted by your refusal of my chivalry. Let ME be your God and love. Let ME be your deliverer, your protector, your comforter. You are being ridiculous when you try to be your own deliverer, and comforter. Give ME verbally and heartily all your insecurities, your weakness, your uglies, so that I can remind you that I saved you with full knowledge of it all (Ez. 16:8).

Do not try to hide from Me. Hold nothing from Me. I already know it all. In human relationships, people may fear rejection when sharing intimate things. Do not fear MY rejection. Nothing you can say or acknowledge to Me will free Me to reject you. You see, you are in a COVENANT with Me—not a contract.Salvation is saying “I do,” to the ultimate marriage vow (Hosea 2:19-20). You have chosen to die to independence, separation and loneliness and accept the marriage offer that My son offered with His blood.


When one is married to Me, I cannot reject him. Contracts have conditions. If one party does not follow through on their end, the other party is no longer obligated to hold to the contract. Covenants are promises forever, made by two parties. A covenant is NOT an agreement. If I promise to do something and you promise to do something, does your breaking of your promise allow me to break MY promise? No. Breaking a promise or vow is sin. I cannot sin. I promised to love you with an everlasting love (Jer. 31:3). Your unfaithfulness does not free Me from this promise. You can reject me, but I will NEVER reject you. So, there is no reason not to be intimate and give Me your whole heart—you can trust Me.


Do not continue to make Me watch you reject my love. Do not offer Me more fake sacrifices and lip service. I desire your honesty, love, and affection. Stop hiding your true heart from Me. Become intimate with your Maker. We could be so happy together.


LOVE ME and RECEIVE MY LOVE.
KNOW ME and BE KNOWN.

-God